I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
