Is it normal to miss your booty call?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
