just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
