He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
