I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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