shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize