We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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