dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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