i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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