it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
