He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
