I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We have started to decorate penises.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
