I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
