HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
