how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
