i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
