I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i will never coherently bang her
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
