I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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