where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My balls are so social today.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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