No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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