hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
