phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
