What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
