I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
