Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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