How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
