he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
