These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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