it wasn't lemon gatorade
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
