i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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