i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
