I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
