The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
