Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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