I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
