my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
