you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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