just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
