I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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