This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Drake has all the answers
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
