i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
