I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
