Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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