i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
