my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
