I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
