Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
