Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
