wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
