On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
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